I’ve lost count of how many rejections I’ve received over the years. In writing this article, I was curious about the final number, so I looked back at my records. I found at least 60 rejections to short stories, although I know that’s not all of them. And for literary agents? Yikes. The number is somewhere around 250.
With well over three hundred rejections in hand, you’d think I’d be used to it. I am, to an extent, but rejections still sting, no matter how many you’ve gotten. Sometimes I can brush them off. The editor or agent wasn’t a good fit anyway, or maybe it’s extra beautiful outside and my mood remains high.
But as author Wendy Pratt writes in her post Rejection doesn’t happen in an emotional vacuum, you’ll often get rejections “when you are dealing with small and big griefs, work exhaustion, world events exhaustion, secret sads that you don’t tell anyone. All of this adds weight to the rejection.”
It’s true. Sometimes you’re having a bad day/week/month. Sometimes three rejections roll in on the same day (true story) and while the first one didn’t hurt so much, by the third you’re convinced that your story is garbage and you’ll never be published.
After more than ten years of writing seriously, rejection still sucks but I’ve learned a few methods for coping.
1. Feel your feelings
Cry a little. Or a lot. Mope in bed. Eat something indulgent. Go for an angry run. Listen to screamy music. Or weepy music. Or both. Rant to your partner, or your friends, or your parents. Rail against how unfair it is. Complain how it doesn’t make sense that if the editor liked this part so much, why didn’t they buy the piece?! Say loudly and often that the editor is obviously missing out, until your loved ones get irritated.
The key is to recognize that the rejection does hurt. That’s okay. It won’t hurt forever and you can help move those feelings along by acknowledging the pain rather than suppressing it.
2. Give Yourself Time
Some rejections hurt more than others. Sometimes they feel like a near miss; you were almost there, which makes the loss worse. Sometimes they come when we’re already feeling fragile. During these times, writing can feel impossible. Don’t force it. It’s okay to take time away to heal.
Time might mean a single day. After a rejection, feel free to spend the rest of the day as though you’re ill. Eat comfort foods, read a favorite book, or watch a movie you’ve seen a million times.
Sometimes, we need more extensive healing. A week. A month. This might be a sign of burnout or a deeper emotional wound. Allow yourself to recover without guilt or judgment. You can’t produce something from nothing. Refill your creative well with people and activities that bring you joy.
Taking time to rest and recover is a healthy part of being creative, but no matter what, at some point you must pick yourself up and get back to the keyboard.
3. Embrace Spite
Spite is a seriously underrated motivator. I’m a nonconfrontational person. I don’t get angry easily. But boy can I hold a grudge. When you’re still upset and your confidence is shot, remember that person who doubted you in the past and mutter, “I’ll show you…”
Once, I had a teacher who disliked me. This teacher would write sarcastic, hurtful comments on my papers and was single-handedly responsible for crushing my love for writing, an affliction that lasted for years. Luckily, with the help of better, more supportive teachers, I found joy in writing again.
Painful as the experience was, that bad teacher served an important purpose; they became my Spite Motivator. When all else fails, I can find that seed of anger inside me, mutter, “I’ll show you…” and get back to work, no matter how bruised my ego.
Find your Spite Motivator and keep them in the back of your mind for when you need a boost.
4. Let Go
One of my go-to coping mechanisms is to assume that once a short story or a novel is out on submission, it’s dead. I pretend it’s already been rejected by every single editor and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Unhealthily pessimistic? Maybe. But this thought process serves two purposes. One, when rejections come, as they inevitably do, they hurt less. Sometimes. With this mentality, an acceptance then becomes an surprising delight. Two, it forces you to move on to another project. Finding a new project to focus on and fall in love with lowers the stakes on the first one. It tells you that you’ll never run out of things to write. There will be a million chances at acceptance. This one will be the winner.
So find your new project and throw yourself into it. Relearn the joy of creating something from scratch.
5. Remember, It only takes one Yes
Perhaps the most simple mantra to remember. Every time a rejection hits your inbox, repeat to yourself “it only takes one yes.” If you’re feeling too down to believe, have your loved ones remind you.
When I’m moping facedown on my bed, feeling tender and disappointed, my partner always reminds me “it only takes one yes.” A back rub, a snack, and some venting later, I eventually come around to believing again.
Much as we’d like the accolades to pour in, our writing isn’t for everyone. This can be a hard pill to swallow for newer writers, but it can actually be a strength. The best partner is someone who truly loves your writing. It might take some time to find that person, but it really does only take one.
After ten years, what have I learned?
Getting rejected does get easier.
I still feel hurt and depressed sometimes, but more often than not, I can bounce quickly back and submit again. Although it took me some time to figure out the best coping mechanisms for myself, I genuinely use all of these tips to stay positive, motivated, and creative.
For more tips on how to deal with rejection, read editor Phoebe Morgan’s article, Dealing with rejection as a writer (which incidentally was the inspiration for this post).
Writer Devon Halliday talks about her coping strategy of “Relentless Pessimism” in her article No News Is Bad News, as well as what’s normal when submitting to literary magazines, agents, and publishing houses.
Also check out Jane Friedman’s site where author and book coach Amy L. Bernstein encourages writers to keep going no matter what obstacles they face in her article The Secret to a Writing Career May Boil Down to Sheer Grit.
If you’re ready to dive back into the query trenches, review my How to Publish Your Novel series for a refresher on the basics of queries, synopses, and finding the best agent.
Or, if you’re looking for inspiration for a new project, check out my Writing Prompts page for a random prompt generator, picture prompts, and a free download of my 100 Prompts PDF.
As always, Happy Writing!